Game By Game Analysis of 2009 Steelers Schedule

Predicted game by game analysis by TB84:

Week 1: Steelers defeat Titans 52-3 -- In a game that sends shockwaves throughout the NFL, the Steelers completely destroy the Titans. Second play from scrimmage, James Harrison snaps LenDale White's femur in half. His screams will echo through Heinz Field for the rest of the season. Santonio Holmes catches 4 TD passes and wipes a booger on an endzone camera for a 10k fine from the Mormon Police.

Week 2: Steelers defeat Bears 33-10 -- Jay Cutler throws 6 INTs, all of them to Tyrone Carter! Ben takes the week off to shoot an episode for American Chopper. Casey Hampton is caught eating raw strips of bacon on the sidelines and is suspended for two weeks.

Week 3: Steelers defeat Bengals 49-7 -- Hines Ward breaks Keith Rivers' jaw AGAIN while Steelers fans everywhere masturbate furiously to a bloody Rivers getting carted off yet one more time. The benches clear and a brawl nearly ensues, but nothing happens other than Marvin Lewis somehow gets punched in the face by one of his own players. Later in the game Leon Hall makes a dive for Wards knee and seemingly tears his ACL. But then Hines remembers he doesn't have an ACL and runs it in for a TD, breaking 8 more tackles on the way and laughing like a maniac the whole time.

Week 4: Steelers defeat Chargers 18-16 -- A hungover Jeff Reed hits at 58 yard field goal as time expires to defeat the Chargers. He celebrates by puking in his helmet while being carried off the field ala Rudy at Notre Dame style. Hines Ward is hospitalized for rabies after spitting out foam for three quarters after every first down catch. The Chargers were beginning to leave him uncovered once his eyes had become bloodshot and he had started barking profanities at them like he had tourettes.

Week 5: Steelers defeat Lions 77-0 -- Roethlisberger is pulled a minute before half time after throwing his record 8th TD pass in a single game. Rashard Mendenhall takes over in the second half and runs for a record 458 rushing yards on just 4 carries. Statisticians at the NFL offices are confused as to how he managed to average that many yards a carry, but hey this is what fucking happens damnit. Don't question destiny.

Week 6: Steelers defeat Browns 27-10 -- Limas Sweed hauls in TWO 99 yard TD passes, juggling each one the last fifteen yards ala Robin Williams in The Best Of Times while finally securing the ball before stepping out of the back of the endzone. Big Ben plays the entire game wearing some of Tomlin's GQ sunglasses underneath his helmet. Shaun Rogers passes out from exhaustion some time in the third quarter and it takes 15 men to roll him off the field like a tarp.

Week 7: Steelers defeat Vikings 2-0 in OT -- In a game similar to their Super Bowl matchup Adrian Peterson and Willie Parker combine to run 54 times for negative 133 yards. Fox cuts off coverage of the game at half time to show a That 70's Show mini movie. It finally cuts back just in time for viewers to watch Aaron Smith tackling Adrian Peterson in the endzone for a safety as overtime expires. He celebrates by doing an awkward white man jive dance that confuses his black teammates.

Week 9: Steelers defeat Broncos 35-30 -- An up tight Steelers defense comes out and plays like shit, and Kyle Orton GOES OFF. The Broncos are running up and down the field on the Steelers and everyone is wigging out. Down 30-0 at halftime, Santonio pulls out a stash he was saving for a special occassion and the whole team smokes it up. Dan Rooney walks by to wish them luck going into the second half and gets a big contact buzz. Everything slows down Matrix style and the Steelers return five Orton INTS for TDs. A high as balls Rooney plays his Irish bagpipes naked in the locker room to celebrate.

Week 10: Steelers defeat Bengals 20-14 -- Tomlin puts in the wishbone as a goof, as Chris Kemoeatu gains 101 yards on 44 carries. For some reason Tomlin also starts not wearing any shirts or jackets to the game to show off his new light socket tattoo on his rib cage. Casey Hampton is now transported to and from the locker room and field via a golf cart as he's ballooned up to 400 pounds but for some reason the fatter he gets the more dominant he plays much to Tomlin's chagrin. He mistakes the football for a hamburger patty at one point and slobbers all over it, which in turn stalls a late drive by Cincinnati and leads to four straight incompletions.

Week 11: Steelers defeat Chiefs by forfeit -- The Chiefs never come out of their own locker room when Matt Cassell discovers he's actually going to be playing against a good defense and doesn't want to hurt his QB rating.

Week 12: Steelers defeat Ravens 35-10 -- In a relapse from last season Ben Roethlisberger is sacked 11 times, loses four fumbles, but also throws for 300+ yards and 4 TDs getting hit every single play. After getting hit viciously late in the 4th quarter Tomlin puts Max Starks at QB and tells him to see how much he likes shitty blocking. Starks last a series before openly crying on the sidelines and begging for mercy.

Week 13: Steelers defeat Raiders 24-6 -- The Steelers spend the whole first half trying to recreate the Immaculate Reception out of boredom. In the second half Ben literally has sex on the sidelines with Meadow Soprano. Then after finishing up he re-enters the game to throw a deep TD to Sweed who jumps into the black hole and is never seen of again. During the post game press conference Mike Tomlin puts on one of Al Davis' disastrous track suits and answers all the questions like he's clincally retarded. Tragically it's announced later that his move cost him the GQ Sexiest Coach of the Year award which has now been given to Wade Phillips and he falls into deep depression because of it.

Week 14: Steelers defeat Browns 44-13 -- For an endzone celebration Santonio Holmes actually pulls down his pants and takes a shit on the field. He's suspended the rest of the season by John Smith err I mean Roger Goodell. On the next series, the Browns are backed up and Lawrence Timmons sacks Brady Quinn in the endzone, shoving him face first into the pile of crap. Brady promises to gladly eat it up if the Steelers promise to quit sacking him. They agree to it, and he sadly eats each poo nugget one at a time until it's gone, all on HD. The next series LaMarr Woodley sacks him so hard it breaks his back in two, instantly ending his career.

Weel 15: Steelers defeat Packers 13-7 -- Most of the Steelers miss their flight after all night Pagan sex party. Tomlin is forced to go out to the parking lot and sign up the drunkest, craziest Steelers fans he can find there. They still roll.

Week 16: Steelers defeat Ravens 27-14 -- Tommy Maddox, Duce Staley, Jason Gildong, and Chris Fuamatu-ma'afala are all signed to one day contracts to take part in an old timers game. Maddox redeems his last start in Pittsburgh by running the spread and kniving through the Ravens defense. Duce Staley runs for 80 yards while wearing jogging pants the entire time. Gildon gets three sacks all on blown offensive line assignments, and Ma-afala catches a late meaningless two yard TD pass and is is heralded as the games MVP for some reason. After the game many of the Ravens seek out Maddox to try and buy some life insurance off him, but he tells them as long as Ray Lewis is in Baltimore he can't cover them, too risky.

Week 17: Steelers defeat Dolphins 105-3 -- Sporano has the Dolphins kick a late field goal and claims a moral victory. Big Ben throws for 743 yards on the game, and Parker and Mendenhall combine for 500 yards on the ground. Heath Miller breaks a record 56 tackles playing the entire game on a mixture of Sparks energy drinks, adderols, and some of Joey Porter's delirium pills. On what would have been a TD pass from Pennington to Ted Ginn Jr., Joey Porter tackles Ginn from the sidelines, takes off his jersey to reveal his old Steelers uniform, and runs to the other side of the field to rejoin the Steelers for their playoff run.

Regular season record: 16-0. Believe it.