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Famous faux pas: Cowher's burn baker's dozen

Posted 07-14-2010 at 10:01 AM by swissvale72
Updated 07-14-2010 at 10:16 AM by swissvale72

FAMOUS FAUX PAS: COWHER'S BURNT BAKER’S DOZEN

Previously, I listed current Steelers coach Mike Tomlin's "Bonehead Moments," but the hue and cry came from Steeler Nation demanding fairness, calling for the same standard to be applied to his predecessor, Bill "The Chin" Cowher. My initial response was that such an assignment would cause me to request a sabbatical from my place of employment, Cowher's capacity for bone-headedness was so expansive.

While Cowher's transgressions were often of philosophy, and sometimes less captured in a single moment, I've narrowed the focus a bit, and offer a baker’s dozen of "Cowher Moments." As you shall see, my original intent was to serve up a Top Ten (or eleven), but we'll lead with a pair that really had nothing to do with his coaching ability, but are noteworthy in their own right.

1. The Fuckin' Turncoat Bill Cowher:
Did he really do this? In the '09 Stanley Cup Playoffs Semi-Finals between the Pittsburgh Penguins and Carolina Hurricane, who's operating the siren, with a shit-eating grin in Raleigh’s RBC Center? It couldn't be Pittsburgh native and former Steelers coach Bill Cowher, taking such a visible role in rooting against his hometown Penguins, could it? Yes, sadly, it could, and it was. Cowher followed the Mrs. to Carolina, and bought the entire act, dressing in red, and acting the clown. That's okay...Penguins swept those bitches.

2. Yukkin' it up with Mike Vick:
In Cowher's final lame-duck season, he appeared to some Steeler fans, self-included, to have mailed it in. Gone was the trademark Cowher intensity, the fire, replaced by a distant figure on the sidelines, who seemed rather disinterested. He was Catatonic Bill. In a tie game in Atlanta, the Falcons faced a key 3rd down at the two-minute mark. Troy Polamalu has a shot at Falcons quarterback Michael Vick in the backfield, but Vick avoids the tackle and runs for a key first down, going out of bounds, right in front of Cowher. The early-day Cowher would have been ballistic, would have been tempted to deck Vick himself with a forearm shiver. This time, "the eye in the sky don't lie," and there's Cowher shown laughing with Vick on the sideline. Yes, laughing. Steelers lose in OT...wheels are coming off this team.

3. Starting Neil O'Fuckin Donnell:
Neil O'Fuckin' Donnell sustained an injury late in the '92 season, Cowher's first, and was replaced by the colorful Bubby Brister for the final three regular season games. After two losses in which his offense failed to score a touchdown, Brister lead the Steelers to a win in the regular season finale, in the process earning the Steelers a first round bye, home field advantage throughout the playoffs, and earning Brister the opportunity to tell the assembled members of the fourth estate, critics of his erstwhile play the past few weeks, to kiss his ass.

Come time for the playoff game with the Buffalo Bills two weeks hence, it was back to O'Donnell, who'd not played in a month. Would Bubby have been the better choice? We don't know, but he couldn't have been much worse. O'Donnell plain sucked, throwing a pair of interceptions, and losing a fumble while being sacked seven times. The Steelers exited the playoffs early, losers by a score of 24-3, the first of many home playoff losses for Bill Cowher.

4. The Spike:
Down three points late in a Sunday Night game in Arizona in '94, the Steelers, dressed in hideous throwback uniforms, resembling inmates from the Allegheny County Jail, storm back, and on the strength of a 46-yarder to Eric Greene, pick up a first down at the Cardinals' five-yard line with a minute remaining. Cowher, with a timeout in his pocket, elects to spike the ball, giving his team, in essence, two shots at a game-winning touchdown instead of three. Failing to pierce the endzone on 2nd or 3rd downs, the Steelers kick the tying field goal. After Charles Johnson fumbles the overtime kickoff, the Steelers are quickly dispatched into the Arizona night.

5. Not so quick with the Time-Out:
This sadly didn’t turn out to be very significant, but does represent a bone-headed use of the clock. Perhaps in the most maddening loss in Steelers history, Steelers down 4 points late to San Diego, complete a pass to John L. Williams, who’s tackled at the 3-yard line, whereupon Cowher calls a timeout with 1:13 on the clock. He has one timeout remaining, so if the 4th down play fails (as it did), Steelers aren’t getting the ball back (yeah, I know, some of you think Steelers subsequently tackled Humphries for a safety which wasn’t called). All hinges on the 4th down play, so why so quick to call the timeout? Should the Steelers have scored, San Diego would have needed a field goal to tie and would have had a full minute left to move the ball into position. Let the clock run, Bill, call the timeout as the last possible second.

6. Establishing the Running Game:
While this was a general, and perhaps unfounded, criticism of Bill Cowher Playoff Football, this time it applies specifically to Super Bowl XXX. Going in, there was sufficient doubt that Dallas could cover the five-wide formation often employed by the Steelers. Instead of pressing this advantage from the outset, however, Cowher chose to establish the running game, and to do so with Eric Pegram rather than Bam Morris. In the process of establishing this running game, the Steelers fell behind 13-0, and only then opened things up. As we know, the Steelers were never able to catch up.

7. Chan Fuckin' Gailey:
It's only fair. The buck stops with Mike Tomlin, wherein his offensive coordinator is concerned, so the same holds true for Cowher. It's the '97 AFC Championship Game, and the Steelers had established the running game, behind Jerome Bettis. Meantime, Kordell Stewart had narrowly averted disaster, on at least two occasions, throwing into double coverage. Facing 2nd & 1, on the Denver 35, ahead by a score of 14-10, and with four minutes remaining to the half, the call seemed obvious. Entrust the football to Bettis, who was on his way to a rare hundred-yard rushing day in the playoffs, eat the clock, keep John Elway on the opposing sideline, and go in at the half with at least a seven-point, but perhaps an 11-point lead. Gailey sends in a pass, Stewart throws long, into double coverage, is picked, and when the smoke clears, the Steelers trail at the half by a 24-14 margin.

8. Field Goal Bill:
Thanksgiving Day '98, in Detroit, and it's the infamous "Heads, I mean Tails" game, in which a Steelers overtime loss was attributed to a botched coin flip. But the flip may not have been necessary had it not been for a decision that cemented the moniker "Field Goal Bill," assigned Cowher in some circles. Down three points late to the Lions, the Steelers mount a furious drive, and face 3rd & goal at the eight with seconds remaining, one more shot for a winning TD pass, right? Wrong. Cowher meekly runs the ball, and then sends Norm Johnson onto the field for the 25-yard game-tying field goal.

9. Cover Derrick Mason!:
Steelers, riding a five-game win streak, and in their fifth straight game of not surrendering a touchdown, score on a Mark Bruener TD reception mid to late fourth quarter to take a 7-6 lead in Nashville. Tennessee faces a 4th down with a game on the line. Tennessee has only one receiver on the field, in the person of Derrick Mason, who’s ever caught an NFL pass. Which receiver do the Steelers elect to cover with one man? Yup…Derrick Mason. Titans convert the first down, and go on to win the game on the 3rd Al Del Greco field goal of the game, 9-7.

10. Troy Fuckin' Edwards:
In one of the best examples of Bill Cowher being schooled, his counterpart on the opposing sideline in the '01 AFC Championship Game, Bill Belichick, renowned for his film study, alerts officials pre-game of the propensity for Troy Edwards to run out of bounds unimpeded on punt coverage, and then return to the field of play illegally. Edwards does just this on a booming first-quarter punt by Josh Miller, is predictably flagged, and Troy Brown of the Pats, takes the ensuing punt back for a touchdown, keying the Pats upset win over the Steelers. Cowher's guilty of either not knowing of Edwards' nasty habit, or knowing and electing to do nothing about it.

11. Field Goal Bill, Part II:
In one of the most horrific game decisions in modern Steelers history, the Steelers battle back from a 21-point deficit on a frigid Heinz Field January night in the '04 AFC Championship Game, are down 14-points entering the 4th quarter, and are facing 4th down on the Patriots 2-yard line. With a golden opportunity to make it a one-score game, Cowher sends on the field goal team, narrowing the margin to eleven, where he would still need another field goal, a touchdown, and yes, a 2-point conversion from the same 2-yard line, in order to tie the game. The life is sucked out of the Heinz Field, and the Steelers never narrow the ensuing eleven-point deficit, losing by fourteen.

12.Tommy Fuckin' Maddox:
No, not the entire '03 season, but specifically the October '05 debacle vs. Jacksonville at Heinz Field. Maddox, subbing for an injured Ben Roethlisberger, is picked on the Steelers first possession, is picked again, and clearly doesn't have it. There's hope, as Maddox appears injured in the 2nd half, but he's able to dust himself off and continues. Only later do we learn that Maddox does incur his coach's wrath post-game for having concealed the extent of the injury to his throwing shoulder. The game proceeds to overtime, and when Quincy Morgan brings back the kickoff to the Jax 25, it looks as though victory lies ahead for the Steelers. But after a botched running play loses yardage, Maddox is sacked and fumbles on 3rd down. It gets worse! After stopping the Jags; Maddox takes the field and promptly offers up a pick-six to Rashean Mathis. With a first-time guest in my home, I eject the VHS tape on which I'm recording the game, grab a hammer, and smash that mother-fucker to smithereens!! Tommy Fuckin' Maddox is appropriately villified. His wife falsely claims to have had garbage dumped on her lawn. If only it were true. Cowher? Post-game he says, "I was thinking about making a switch at quarterback." Earth-to-Bill. When were you gonna do it!!

13. Ricardo Fuckin' Coclough??:
It’s Cowher’s mail-it-in season of ’06, and the Bengals are in town for an important early-season game. Steelers have recovered from throwing an interception on first down from the Bengals five, with a 7-0 lead, while literally running the ball down the Bengals’ throats in the first quarter, and have battled back from a deficit to retake a 3-point lead. The defense is putting the heat on Carson Palmer. Cinci punts midway through the fourth quarter. Back at around the 15-yard-line to receive is Ricardo Colclough. One small problem….Colclough can’t fuckin’ catch!! Sure enough, Coke fumbles, Cinci recovers, goes into score, and wins the game. Postgame, Cowher says that he puts Santonio Holmes into receive punts “close to the goal line” as he “likes his hands.” Bill!! Up three points, a scant 6 or 7 minutes left, your D is playing lights out…was not this close enough to your goal line to put an absolute priority on fielding the ball cleanly?

The Cowher Myth
Now, it’s time to debunk this myth that Cowher’s playoff losses were due to his playing too conservative, insisting on pounding the rock, taking after his mentor, Marty Schottenheimer.

In ’92, I’m not of the mind that having Neil O’Fuckin’ Donnell go back to pass more often would have yielded better results. The book on O’D for the day is already referenced here in. In ’93, Steelers came out throwing, put the ball up in excess of 40 times, and very nearly upset Kansas City, largely on their passing game. The ’94 AFCCG was marked by a stark inability to run and O’D logged over 50 passing attempts. Cowher’s guilty as charged in SB XXX, as has been established earlier in this treatise. The ’96 Fog Bowl in Foxboro was a total debacle, with the Steelers in the hole from the start; Rod Woodson’s jersey is still smoldering. Cowher shoulda been more conservative in the ’97 AFCCG, the Chan Fuckin’ Gailey game.

Steelers lost the ’01 AFCCG largely on the performance of their special teams, having surrendered a punt return for a TD in a second consecutive playoff game that post-season. We know that teams that return a punt for a TD win 82% of the time; I just heard Sean Payton say so. Steelers survived that against Baltimore in the Divisional Playoffs. They couldn’t survive it again, particularly when paired with a 2nd special teams TD in the same game. The Steelers couldn’t run as the Pats lined a defensive end over Jerame Tuman and proceeded to kick his ass all day long. Oh…Kordell couldn’t throw either. I can still see him overthrowing a wide open Hines Ward late, down seven points, and was picked. And please, stop it with the Pats having cheated in this game. They’re accused of stealing defensive signals. The Pats offense scored a single touchdown. Yeah, I know, Hines said the Pats were calling out the plays the Steelers would be running. Ever hear of film study?
Going forward, TMaddox aired it out for 40-plus attempts in the ’02 playoff loss to Tennessee. Not too conservative there. And finally, in the ’04 AFCCG, the Steelers enjoyed success with play action and could have gone to this well more often. Keep in mind though, that rookie QB Ben Roethlisberger was staggering at the finish line at the close of this season. He barely escaped the Divisional Playoffs against the Jets, having thrown a couple of bad picks, one of which was taken in for a TD. Against the Pats, he opened the game with a pick thrown behind an open receiver, then followed it up with another pick-six on a play where he clearly did the opposite of what he was told. Could you blame Cowher for not putting that game in the rook’s hands.

All told, was Cowher too conservative in his playoff losses? Sounds good, but it’s bogus, a myth.
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